| should have turned and ran like hell the last time i got a taste of you |
[04 Dec 2009|02:15am] |
Such a strong desire to move directly away from here. I sometimes wish I didn't have family for the sole reason that I could pick up and go and not feel remorse. For some reason I feel the need to have you know this is shitty. They call me a sociopath; I am the one made from what is two.
Hell is blindness and deafness visited upon the anguished heart and mind. To look and see right through, to listen and hear only white noise. To be entombed in the mind with one's thoughts. To reside only with the skeletons from the closet. To live with only the things I've done.
"If you knew that you would die today, if you saw the face of God and love, would you change?"
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| A Mathematical Proof that life fucking sucks |
[16 Nov 2009|10:21pm] |
Anything that can be imagined technically exists, because thought exists.
Anything that can be imagined has a certain probability of occuring/existing
Probability can never = 0
Therefore if I imagine a god, then that god has a probability of existing greater than 0.
This means that its then impossible that this god does NOT exist, however it does not state that this god is required or certain to exist, just that it has a degree of probability.
so:
god = exists.
but
god must = all knowing to be qualified as a god, otherwise god = same as man
so now:
god = exists
god = all knowing
If any sentient being is either A) alive or B) dead, and there is no third option then for a god who cannot grow, consume, produce, or respond to any stimuli (as we all know our gods and goddesses do not respond) then the status "living" cannot be granted
Therefore using the postulate "If not A then B"
god = all knowing
god does not = alive, so god = dead
A god who is all knowing must have every thought, every being, every movement of nature inside themself and so
god must = everything
Now the real math
god = exists
god = all knowing
god does not = alive, so god = dead
god = everything
substituion now
god = dead
god = everything
therefore everything = dead
"love" is part of everything so more subsitution
god = dead
god = everything
therefore everything = dead
love replaces everything and....
Love = Dead
And thats why life fucking sucks. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, then put the pipe down and go read a book.
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[13 Oct 2009|11:56pm] |
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"I'm stuck in this frame of mind, and I can't seem to find a way out"
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| I have to leave a record, I have to tell you that I saw it coming |
[02 Jul 2009|10:25pm] |
Let it be said that I saw it coming
If I should die suddenly in the near future, please, someone who reads this, tell my family or whoever cares that I knew it was coming.
About a week and a half ago I started having a very very strange feeling about life. I didn't know what was wrong. It was a cross between a feeling of dread and a constant feeling of something approaching, something looming on the horizon.
A few days ago, I was driving in traffic...and my brakes went out. My car stopped just in time, and the brakes do stop it still...but that was when I knew.
I am going to die soon, my time is concluding. I am not afraid, and I am not sad. I just want someone, anyone at all to know that I knew. I have not told my family, nor anyone else really. Who would believe me?
Who knows, maybe its just a crazy feeling and it won't amount to anything, but for now I travel always in the shadow of death.
Maybe I will see you again in this world. Maybe I will wait until the next.
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[01 Jul 2009|09:11pm] |
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mood |
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on the way out |
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Soon I will be gone....
I have graven it within the hills, and my vengence upon the dust within the rock.
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[27 Sep 2008|01:48am] |
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i dont know if you ever read this, or if you ever will again, but i hope you do
this will probably be the last time i ever write in this journal. today has felt like a dream all day, and i cant understand it. nothing has made sense since i woke up this morning. i dont know if ill sleep tonight, but if i get to, i feel like i should wake up to find out its still friday, and youre still mine. i almost typed "and im still yours" but that actually hasnt changed. that will never change. just like i told you, if i have to wait the rest of my fucking life away until im old and grey and no good to anyone and lying on my death bed, i will do it. in that moment, far from now, i will smile again, if i never smile in the time in between. i will smile because if i have been a decent person between now and then, maybe ill go to heaven and see you there. because right now im terrified i will never see you again while im alive.
i have given myself until sunday, just over 36 hours, and if you havent called me, and i still feel like this, im leaving. im going to go west, over the mountains and away from here. i cant live in this place with you ten minutes away and lightyears apart from me and not go insane. i cant go on without you, not here, maybe not anywhere.
you were the only thing that made me feel like i was a decent person, like i was worth anything at all, and i cant believe ive squandered that on such meaningless bullshit. oh my god my hand smells like your hair and its killing me. i almost wrecked on the way home tonight because i couldnt even see to drive. i still couldnt tell you which path i took home.
if everything weve been through and everything weve shared means nothing to you now, then i am sorry for having wasted your time. i really think thats all i am sometimes. i shouldve gotten that tattooed on me instead. for the record, i want that on my gravestone "waste of time"
i cant even begin to describe what this feels like, the knowledge that i may have actually lost you this time, after fighting so incredibly hard for so long to keep you close to me. after clawing and biting and snarling against time apart and distance and italy and my own hangups and all kinds of transgressors, how can the battle really be over? how can this be it?
the answer is simple: im not worth it
i realize that now
i know i said this earlier, but if i end up a thousand miles from you, i will still look down at the ring on my left hand and cry myself to sleep in mourning of the life i lost, the love i threw away, the pieces of me that will always remain yours. there has never been a person like you in my life, and i would be foolish to think there ever will be again. nobody gets that lucky, im still amazed i was lucky enough to ever have you at all.
if you can ever find it in your heart to forgive me my sins, i am yours without a moment of hesitation. if that is impossible, i understand. if that is impossible, im sorry, but i have to leave this place, this place where i fell in love with you and where i asked you to marry me and where i celebrated the first valentines day thats ever mattered to me and where i thought i had met my wife.
i feel dead inside, like im just waiting for my body to catch up.
i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you. i have loved you for longer than you know, and i will love you until there is no longer enough breath in my lungs to form the words. i still believe i was made for you, as fucked up and flawed as i am. maybe someone else was made for you too, and i hope to god they can make you happier than i have.
im so sorry, my queen, i love you
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[08 Aug 2008|12:13am] |
I know I've said this before, but this is goodbye Pittsboro (again, yeah, shutup) I haven't written in this thing in quite a while, but now, I say goodbye once more to this infernal town. No more video hole, no more snack stop, no more food lion, no more fucking ptown at all. It feels good to get out, I hope I don't ever have to move back this time.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and be one traveler, long I stood and looked down one as far as I could to where it bent in the undergrowth. Then took the other, as just as fair, and having perhaps the better claim because it was grassy and wanted wear, though as for that, the passing there had worn them really about the same.
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[17 Jul 2008|10:29pm] |
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sorry is the word of the year on sesame street.
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[23 Sep 2007|12:19am] |
I finally understand what complete devotion is. I have spent every waking moment for over four months in a row working, worrying, planning, saving, stressing, and thinking about nothing in the world besides getting back to you. Nothing has ever been worth that much to me. Nobody has ever been to me what you are, sweetheart.
If you were ever skeptical, believe now, for i have lived weeks and months on end for you. Years of the same are planned :-D
I love you
Oh yeah---
Goodbye Pittsboro, this is the last night I will ever spend in your doldrumic grasp. I am leaving tomorrow, at my earliest possible convenience, and I am never returning. To those I leave behind, thank you for making my time here a little more bearable. Get yourselves out as soon as possible. I would say that we will meet again, but I honestly never plan on it. So this is my last goodbye to all of you. Have good lives, be happy, find love, enjoy the future, and if chance ever crosses our paths someday, I hope I will find that you are hailing from a much better place. Happy trails.
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[17 Sep 2007|04:11pm] |
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mood |
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fucking elated |
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This is it. The last few hours. Goodbye fucking pittsboro. I can't believe its finally time. After four months of nonstop working and wishing and hoping and worrying about saving every dime i have and missing you like the sky misses the sun on rainy days, and dreaming that i can make it back to you, i finally am. I'm coming home to you baby. I'm coming home.
If home is where the heart is, then my home will always be wherever you are, sweetheart.
I love you completely and unconditionally, and I can't wait to see you tonight :-D
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[16 Sep 2007|03:41am] |
I can't believe I'm almost back to you baby. All those weeks of working every single day, all those nights spent wishing i was with you again. All those times I just wanted to be able to look into your eyes again. I'm finally coming home, for if home is where the heart is, then my home is wherever you are, love. I don't ever want to have to be this far from you again. Ever. I love you endlessly, babe.
Nobody will ever hurt you again.
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[28 Aug 2007|11:50pm] |
You have no idea how much the thought of losing you kills me. It's worse than any physical pain could be....
If there's ever doubt in you, about the way I feel
My heart's reply is I love you, and babe, I always will
There is nobody that has ever come close to making me feel the way that you do, sweetheart. And nobody else could ever take away from that. Just like nobody else in this world could ever take any of my love from you.
If I cut myself, I'm pretty sure my veins would cry your name...
I love you so much baby, and I always will.
I want you for the rest of my days......
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[13 Aug 2007|04:03pm] |
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You is my fire :)
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[10 Aug 2007|02:29pm] |
Just so you know, you make all my days worth living, baby.
"if heaven calls, I'm coming too...if you leave my life, I'm better off dead"
Hey. I love you. End of story :)
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[09 Aug 2007|03:15am] |
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mood |
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 listless |
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For someone who never thought they could ever feel like this, I don't know what I would do without you now. I don't know how I would smile in your absence. I rarely do. Or rather, it's rare that I smile on the inside as well as the outside when you're not around, baby. It's rare that I really feel anything but like the word alone when you're not here.
The leaf floating on the ocean.
I have learned the meaning of the phrase "missing you to death" this summer.
Have I told you I love you today?
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[06 Aug 2007|12:18am] |
Damn, these nights without you kill baby...I hate that i have to miss spending my nights curled up with you, nobody else around...so easy to forget there's anything else but the four walls around us and the two people within :)
If there's ever been anything in my life worth working for, its gotta be to get back to that place again.
I'm coming back to you baby :)
And to be perfectly honest, I don't plan on going anywhere for quite a spell
"Others have tried, but i just can't deny, for me you are the one"
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[01 Aug 2007|02:16am] |
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we can make it through anything :)
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| a day early |
[13 Jul 2007|01:18pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 nostalgic |
] |
Wake or sleep, I feel the same
Dreaming all the time
Picturing the coming day
When you could be all mine
For if I ever walked away
You know it'd be a lie
If I said it was untrue
Each step did make me cry
And if there's ever doubt in you
About the way I feel
My heart's reply is I love you
And babe I always will
Please believe that this will pass
And leave us in its wake
With an overflowing hourglass
And endless love to make
So take me, all I am
I give it all to you
In hopes that you will walk with me
All my days, us two
And If there's ever sad in you
I'll wipe away your tears
And tell your shining, endless eyes
I'll love you all my years
Happy birthday, sweetheart. You have no idea how much I love you :) You don't yet know this journal exists, but that's ok, I'll probably tell you when I'm done. And I'll get to tell you in person tomorrow! I'll tell you that you are by far the most wonderful surprise life has ever given me. I'll tell you how, the first time I saw you, I couldn't stop thinking about you. The first time we hung out, I couldn't stop smiling afterwards. The first time we kissed, I was never happy without you around again. The first time I told you I love you, I lied. I should have said I've loved you. Would've been far more accurate. The truth is I couldn't say exactly when I fell for you, but it was long long before I finally worked up the nerve to tell you baby. And the truth is that I will always love you.
The song above is called "Corazon" and it's the first one I wrote about you. I was sitting up late by myself one night, just kinda thinking about things. Of course, I started thinking about you, and the music just sort of waltzed its way out of my head. So I started writing and I can honestly say that its never been that easy to write lyrics before. In fact, I never even wrote it down, I just imagined you were in front of me and I was just speaking it to you, and by the time I had finished not only did I miss you terribly, but I had committed it to memory. That's exactly how things have been with you. No matter what has happened between us in the past, and even after we didn't see eachother for the first weeks of summer, we always just fall right back in place where we were before :)
I cannot imagine being happy without you, babe. The times in my life I look forward to the most are the times where I'm with you, now. So happy birthday, baby, and I love you with all my heart.
Oh yeah, and I'll see you tomorrow morning, love :-D
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[11 Jul 2007|01:19am] |
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mood |
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 anxious |
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So this is what happy feels like.
So this is what perfect feels like.
I still don't understand why I deserve you, and I've come to terms with the fact that I never will. All I can understand is that I need you in my life terribly, and that will never change. All I can understand is that I'm more in love with you than I really ever thought I could be with any thing, person, place...any nouns basically. I love you more than all the other nouns baby ;-)
Three days now!
"For if I ever walked away, you know it'd be a lie
If i said it was untrue each step did make me cry"
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[02 Jul 2007|10:18pm] |
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mood |
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 lonely |
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"I've seen your face a thousand times, every day we've been apart"
I can't take being away from you like this, love, it feels like my heart is trying to eats its way out of my chest and back to you!
When do I get to feel whole again, baby?
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